Sharing something personal this week. Something I’ve been holding onto and debating whether or not to open up about. But I’ve decided staying true to who I am and the whole reason I started blogging openly about motherhood and life. I try to be transparent and keep it real, which I find is important in this age of people portraying perfection and only showing their highlight reel.
So I’ll just say it. I recently went through something miraculous, amazing and f*cking awful as it comes. The first week of February I found out we were expecting baby #3! A total surprise and blessing. After taking it all in I was beyond thrilled, while the hub was still in shock a bit. Anyone who knows me well knows my dream is being a mamabear…and to a mini tribe has been life long. Then that all came crashing down. I went in for my first prenatal appointment at 8 weeks and the OB couldn’t find anything, just a growing gestational sac, no baby. We thought maybe my retroverted uterus was making it difficult because with Franki, the OB actually couldn’t find her and I needed another scan. So the next day I was sent to the hospital for a more high tech ultrasound to see if she was missing anything. They found the yolk sac and fetal pole measuring 6 1/2 weeks but no heartbeat. Words that are all too familiar. There was no bleeding, my numbers were soaring, I still had pregnancy symptoms… exhaustion, sore boobs, cravings BUT there was no developing fetus. A week later I got another blood draw to check my levels, before doing anything. The numbers came back still climbing. So I was asked to come back in for another ultrasound to see what is going on to make sure dating wasn’t off. I did think for a minute…”Could this be a miracle? Did something change? Are prayers actually being answered?” But the ultrasound was clear. No progression. No miracle. No growing baby. A feeling of emptiness flooded my body and my heart.
So here I am, going through all these emotions in such a short period. From shock to happiness, excitement and joy to pure, raw, numbing and painful sadness. You see…a woman becomes a mom at first sight of those two pink lines. I thought this was a true blessing and miracle because I always wanted three children and didn’t think it was going to happen in this lifetime.
Why am I sharing this super personal information, some people would never EVER dream of sharing? It’s simple…”I show my scars so that others may know they can heal.” Because there are SO MANY OTHERS, like me, who are suffering in silence, in a place of pure isolation…even today I bet, one of you is going through it. So here I am 1 in 4…AGAIN! It sucks. It’s f*cked up. Life’s f*cked up. And messy and beautiful at the same time. You can be overjoyed and happy and thinking about the future with another blessing and then have that ripped out of your heart in a minute. So to you out there…I see you, I hear you, I feel you, I know your pain, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be angry and you WILL get through this. I WILL get through this. How do I know? Because it’s happened to me before, I lost my very first pregnancy. And then our rainbow appeared, our Livvi. So now…I will count my blessings and focus on my two greatest ones, my beautiful, crazy, sometimes relentlessly annoying and insane, loving daughters. And hope maybe one day a rainbow will appear again. If not, I guess that’s life, I will always wonder who those two babies would have been but I know I am lucky to have two earthside.
Let me leave you with this quote. One that has gotten me through this difficult time… “I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.” Isaiah 66:9 Take that for what it is, whether it’s a baby, a project or a new found passion in life. No mud. No lotus.